today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He shit in the fireplace
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
