how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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