I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
