The maid of honor just puked.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
