I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
