Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
