I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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