I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
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the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
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Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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