apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
