Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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