can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
