so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
