if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
