speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If I die, sorry about rent.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
