im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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