Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
