all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
