I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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