My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
