It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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