His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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