phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
