Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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