My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
