Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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