So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
