Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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