i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
