Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
