dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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