i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I die, sorry about rent.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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