dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
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I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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