I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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