My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
