i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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