honey bunches of taint.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
