My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
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