he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
