a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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