And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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