How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon