i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.