My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
