Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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