We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
