I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
