Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Blood and glitter go together right?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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