Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
