i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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