We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
