im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
