some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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