The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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