I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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