And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
