just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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