Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
