pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
