I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
