You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
