Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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