OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
